I almost had it
by TheOfficalGleek
Summary: Self-mutilation. Cutting. Rubber bands. Those were Ellie words… so I guess suicide fit in there somewhere. No. There was no way in hell I was sitting here in this straight-backed hospital chair thinking these thoughts about my best friend. Chapter 5 is up
1. Chapter 1

_**Author's Note**_ did you miss me??????? Well I am back with a story 8th grade has started so I have been busy with everything including homework EW!! And don't know how good this is I was bored and wanted to write something so I just started writing but here it is…

_**Summary **_Ellie's life is taking a turn towards destruction and with her best friends off with their boyfriends will Ellie turn towards a razor for support or find someone else to save her someone she thought she would never see again? Sean/Ellie AU

_**Disclaimer **_blah blah blah I don't own Degrassi blah blah blah we all know that so READ

ELLIE POV

I covered my head with a pillow and sighed time for another day at Degrassi C.S. another day I got to spend alone with no friends no boy friend no one because unlike me everyone else was moving on with their lives and I was still stuck in the past stuck on the Monday after the shooting the day he left. No, no time to think about that. Time for me to get my lazy ass out of bed and to school

Rubbing my eyes I let my cold feet touch the floor and I trudged over to my closet. I grabbed my trademark plaid skirt a pair of red arm warmers and a black and white shirt with ¾ sleeves so none of my scars (and slightly new cuts) would show

Making my way downstairs I heard the sound of snoring come from the couch my mom was already drunk no surprise there I shook the thought from my mind grabbed a granola bar and rushed out the door. Degrassi was about a mile away so if I started running I wouldn't be late for class.

As usual the front steps of the school were covered with students I pushed through them ignoring the stares I got as I passed and entered the building.

Marco was next to my locker tapping his fingers on the cold metal obviously waiting for me and I ignored him and started turning my lock right, Le-

"Hey Ellie." He said quietly as if he hasn't ignored me since he started dating Dylan I finished turning my lock and yanked on the locker handle

" Damnit." I muttered re doing my combo

"Um did I miss something?" Marco said confused

" You made me mess up my combination." I snapped back glaring at Marco. He took a few steps back becoming slightly afraid with each minute that passed

"Did I do something wrong El?" I pulled open my locker and threw my books inside

" No you didn't that's exactly it you've been to wrapped up in Dylan to notice I have been having problems of my own." He blinked a few times and a look of shock came over his face

" Are you… are you alright you didn't a know cau-"

" You know what just forget I said anything." I slammed my locker shut and stormed away into the girl's bathroom. Breathing Heavily I paced the bathroom what was wrong with me? I ran into a stall and locking the door I pulled out my c.d. case. I carefully slipped out one of my razors because a razor= a guaranteed long deep cut. I pressed the razor to my wrist and slowly slid it across. I felt relived but it wasn't enough. So I found a new spot on my wrist and slid it across again. Blood dripped from the cut and I made another and another each one getting slightly deeper and longer.

Pressing the razor to my wrist for the 5th time I told myself that this was the last one. That's when I heard the door slam open. I jumped and felt the razor dig deeply into my arm. I pulled it out and watched in horror as the no not dripped flowed in a stream down my arm. My vision blurred as I heard someone saying something in the distance. I felt my self fall to the ground and closed my eyes for what I thought would be that last time ever.

MANNY POV

" Liberty, I think it's time you finally forgive Emma." I said sighing it wasn't fun being in the middle of two people fighting especially if those two people were two best friends.

" Manny, Emma is a backstabbing leech who would do anything to make herself happy even if it means making you miserable." Liberty Scowled and walked into the bathroom stopping in front of the mirror to fix her hair. I rolled my eyes and pulled my long hair into a ponytail leaning forward to fix my make up I said.

" Okay whatever my house after school we could study or hang out we have that big test in History coming up and you're the smartest person I know."

" I don't know Manny J.T. Said he wanted to study if you know what I mean." Liberty smirked at me through the mirror and I mimicked someone throwing up.

" Ok Ew never mind what bout Friday?"

" Sounds go-" a loud thud came from the last stall and we looked at each other.

" Hello… anyone in here?" I called. No answer. I cautiously walked to the back with liberty by my side looking down at the floor.

" Look," I said pointing to the ground Liberty followed my gaze and we both gasped. Someone was laying on the ground someone with a skull and cross bone back I only knew one person with a backpack like that.

" Ellie?" I asked. No answer. I put my fingernail in the lock and turned it pushing the door open I saw something I did not expect Ellie Nash was laying on the ground arm drenched in blood with a stained razor beside her.


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's Note:_ OMG guys I am so incredibly sorry for not updating because to tell you the truth I forgot about this. Between dance practices and school I just have not had the time to do anything on here other than type up a occasional oneshot so please review if you want more.

_Disclaimer: _ I own nothing.

MANNY

Green. Gray. White. Were the colors I was sure that my face turned when I saw the tenth grade girl lying on the floor of Degrassi girls' bathroom with blood spilling out of a long cut on her left arm. A stained razor lay beside her and that's when I realized that the rumors were true about her. She was a cutter. Someone who had to bleed to know that everything was okay. Just thinking about cutting up my arm with a knife or a razor or a pin made my breakfast threaten to resurface, because self-mutilation was a terrible word. A word that I never wanted to hear again.

Liberty was already out the swinging bathroom door and pulling me with her. I did not know where we were going and I did not care. I would have gone to go live in Africa anywhere to not have to see that horrible sight. Yet something in the back of my mind told me that we were not done there.

" Ms. H come quick it's Ellie Nash she is hurt badly oh please come quickly!" Liberty called and I realized we were in the main office…well we were in the office now we were rushing back down the hall towards the door I had literally just been pulled out of.

I yanked my arm out of my friend's grasp and sat down on the bench, trying to find my breath again and trying to settle the feeling in my stomach as it was slowly rising to get caught in my throat. How could anyone do something like that to themselves? I was disgusted and scared for the redhead's life at the same time.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:** Alright guys here is chapter three and chapter four will not be up until I get some more reviews so please guys please I know you like my story because a good amount of people have favorited this so you know what to do . Enough with that updates will come on Mondays sorry that this was not up earlier but I had a photo shoot today so REVIEW

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything

MARCO POV

Hospitals. No one likes them. The pure white walls make you dizzy the world spinning under your feet as you inhale the scent of disinfectant. The strong smell that was carried through the air clearing all disease from the building… gone forever. But more people are rolled in some on stretchers some staggering along. More diseases enter the air and then whoosh they are gone the air is clean again. It travels on forever in a never-ending circle. Just like the circle of life. Around and around and around and around continuing on until there is no one left on earth. And if my best friend dies then the Nash family is gone from the earth and no more circle of life for them.

I should not be thinking about this Ellie is not dying she would be all right, because suicide was not an Ellie word…or was it? There were so many things I had not known about my best friend. Up until last week I did not know about Ellie's little knife dilemma.

Self-mutilation. Cutting. Rubber bands. Those were Ellie words… so I guess suicide fit in there somewhere. No. There was no way in hell I was sitting here in this straight-backed hospital chair thinking these thoughts about my best friend. This was just a dream, a terrible nightmare.

Everyone thought she was getting better. I thought she was getting better. Ellie told me she was getting better she promised me she was getting better. I mean her grades started improving but she still kept distancing herself from everyone. Or did we distance ourselves from her? Whichever one it did not feel right. I remember when we were attached by the hip, or that's what everyone would say. She confided in me, she told me everything and I listened. I shared my secrets and she listened with an open mind never interrupting me. Then there was last year… Ellie developed a crush on me and in that time I was struggling to find my true self. I liked Ellie I really did but I was not attracted to her. Paige's big brother Dylan caught my eye on the day of the beach trip and I knew that that subtle change of sexuality just changed my whole life. And at that time I did not care. But then EVERYTHING changed. Spinner began to hate me and I was looked at in a different perspective. That is when Ellie became distant. Who knew your whole life could change with three little words. "_I am gay."_


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note:** alright guys here is a filler chapter cause I was overly bored you should still get your Monday chapter if you people review but if not then I do not know when I will post next sooo…**REVIEW!!!!!**

**Disclaimer:** im to lazy to think of a disclaimer so see first chapter

ELLIE POV

My arm was burning. My left arm to be exact was burning as if it had been lit on fire. I could not move and everything was dark. The only thing I felt was the pain on my left side. I did not know if I was sitting or standing so I would not be able to tell you that. I am dead. Dead. Death. Gone. Terrible words, all so different but meaning the same thing. They mean that I was never coming back. I THOUGHT I was dead at least I was pretty sure. But could one feel pain if they were gone? I did not what to die… no that was not my intention. I wanted very much to live and be a journalist maybe one day have a family. I just wanted to make the pain go away all the stress and the tension between the world, and myself I wanted it gone. Not once did I say I wanted to die… I did not even want that as an option. But when the razor dug a deep little slit into my arm and I felt the cool red river float down my arm I knew there was no turning back. Death was my only way out of this torture.

Caught in my thoughts I did not even notice the sounds around me. The quiet buzz of two or more voices speaking softly. Or the sound of something beeping. And there was someone crying to right beside me I could hear them sobbing. But the pain was still there. Stinging this time and burning slightly enough to, if I was conscious, bring tears to my eyes. Maybe this was not the end; in fact I thought it was only the beginning. I could tell because I could feel again. I was laying down on something so incredibly soft. A blanket maybe. Things were brightening up and I could see again. I moved my fingers a little and found that someone was clinging to my hand as if they were sinking and I was the rope. I gave their hand a little squeeze but found that they did not respond.

Blinking my eyes open I took in my surroundings. I realized that I was not lying on a blanket it was indeed a bed and that beeping was the monitor beside me showing that I was still alive. The sobbing, well that had stopped by now and the person beside me had fallen asleep. I was in the hospital. And my best friend was clinging onto my hand. The sight of him, so grief-stricken, immediately saddened me, I wanted to embrace him but I remembered our conversation from earlier and I quickly recovered. I moved my arms to shake him awake but found that I was attached to some tubes running in and out of different parts of my body. Three in my right arm, one in my left and one in my nose. I wanted desperately to rip them out of my body but then the small Italian boy next to me stirred awake rubbing his eyes he took in my probably blood shot eyes and as his widened.

"El?"

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	5. Chapter 5

MARCO POV

"El?" I asked so quietly blinking my eyes and making sure I was not dreaming. "Ellie?" again she just looked at me… what was wrong with her? Why would she not speak? Was I the issue, did she not want to talk to me? Does she hate me? "Els say something please," I said, all but begging her to talk. And then her face crumpled and she said

"Marco I'm so sorry," sobs wracked her thin frame as I encircled her in my arms taking her close and puling her head to my chest. I was soon wet with her tears and steady rivers of my own were streaming down my face. I do not know how long we sat there, entangled in wires, before either of us spoke.

"I'm so fuckin sorry El I should have been there for you I should have seen the signs I never wanted it to end this way-" I said but she cut me off mid-sentence.

" I… was not trying to kill myself I just I needed a release I do not want to die Marco… none of this is your fault," Her voice was surprisingly steady as she spoke in quiet tones to me, her voice barley above a whisper as I once again pulled her close and grabbed her hand as if it was all I had. And she was. Ellie is my best friend. My sister. The only reason I am on this earth. I love her and to hear these words come out of her mouth my heart break into a million pieces.

I knew she was not lying I knew there was no way Ellie would lie about this but somewhere deep inside i knew that I was the reason for her suffering every damn time I was the reason. Remembering the conversation from earlier that day brought these dreaded thoughts to my mind. I had left her alone when she needed me the most, with her dad in the middle of a war and her mom drunk there was no one to listen to her problems or hold her when she cried, there was even no one to tell her they loved her. I should have been that person to do all those things. But I was not there for her.

"I love you Ellie," I said realizing that for the first time in a long while I meant it. "You're my best friend but most importantly you're my sister we've been through everything together and I do not want it to stop here,"

"I love you too and there is no way in hell I could go on without you,"

_Sorry guys short chapter but I just got home from practice and I know I promised that I was gonna update on Monday but I hurt my foot and I still have to go to the doctors to see whats wrong… but please review thanks to everyone so far who has I love you guys _


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